time...

in those days of the greatest pain and sorrow time sits as if waiting for permission to leave. in the moments of our anxiety and insecurities the earth halts its revolution and time extends its visit indefinitely. no matter how we beg, pray or bargain, each minute tears into life as if to deepen each cut and fill it with the saltiest of waters.

in those moments of our truest bliss and magnificent peace time flees as if running from a predator, impossible to contain. As laughter floats through the trees and spins through the clouds and our heart hopes for just another day like this, time reminds us of its inevitable demise and we mourn its passing.

in those instances we reflect on the jagged edge of rejection of our plea to our most beloved time to come and sit a while and are reminded of these precious feelings of joy and contentment.

constant and unchanging

most often it is a feeling of peace and acceptance that sits in the core of my heart; in that place inside of me that is constant and unchanging. this is my grounding and roots me to the earth and allows me to extend further to the sky. in these times my breath remains smooth and consistent in the face of my struggles, pains and fears. i am able to grow from this foundation and bathe in the serenity and joy that is drawn from the air around me.

and then there are the moments where the land beneath my feet shakes and quakes, throwing my balance to one side or the other and i become lost in the debris of my past. as i grasp at that unchanging core, i instead make contact with the still unscabbed, fleshy gash as my own veins, muscle mass and ligaments slip through my fingers causing me to fall even further into that gaping wound that is the size of our life together.

Not Ready to Release

What do you do when they tell you you are dying?

Do you reflect on your mistakes? Do you wish you would have left him sooner; found true love with more ease? Are you grateful for the lessons you have learned? Do you hold your lover's hand to your heart and reveal all of your joy? Do you forgive your mother for never really being your mother? Do you reach out to your only child and dream of the days he smelled so new and you were able to protect him? Do you call for your grandbaby- the one you were never supposed to know but who holds your heart like no other?

In that moment, what goes through your soul? Do you release to this news, settle in and give up? Does it make your body fight harder against this prognosis?

Everything hurts and itches and burns and tears at her skin from the inside out. She cries for the life she was supposed to have. A life of love and peace and comfort with the man she waited 45 years to meet.

"I'm not ready to leave you. I don't want to leave you," she whispered while the tumors grow across her body. How could it have taken over with such speed? Her spine, liver, lungs, and brain are enflamed with the evidence of these cells that fight so hard to live that they are killing her.

He sings to her while she sleeps. That is all she does now- sleep. She awakens with great pain occasionally and then falls back into a medicated sleep. Does she know he is there? Does she remember that this man is the man that held her through her fight to quite drinking; that this is the only man she has ever trusted with her life- with her granddaughter's life? Can she hear the soul of these love songs all written to her and about her?

What do you do when they tell you you are dying and you have just begun to live?

not

I am not that woman you keep hidden in the shadows, waiting for your whim.

I am not that woman with her number on the wall that you call for a good time.

I am not that woman you use and lie to when you are ready to move on.

I am not that woman who you hurt so bad that it teaches you to be so good for the next one.

I am not that woman.