ponderings

i think sometimes i overlook problems in order to maintain happiness. at times it is because i can be so naive and just not realize that there is tension or something amiss. other times it is because i really am just a little kid at heart and i don't always know how to deal with an issue. i'm not afraid of conflict but over the years i have become paranoid that i will be construed as 'emotional' or 'irrational'. this paranoia stems from a horrendous period where i doubted my instincts and became an emotional wreck stuck in a tumultuous relationship and severing connections with many friends and family members. it is also rooted in a childhood where everything was wrong but i was taught that this was the norm and perfectly happy and healthy. what else can you do in that situation but grin and bear it and just move on in life? this has made me a very resilient woman but also one that can overlook potential catastrophic issues with ease.

i seek the balance between addressing the bad and accepting the good. not always an easy act when you've been screwed over time and again and you get a little nervous that the next 'fuck me' moment is around the bend. frankly, life itself is the best it has been for me-- ever. and there are a lot of sucky things going on. but what makes it the best is that i feel my most present and aware of all that sucks and can keep myself centered and calm even in the midst of hating my job, realizing that i truly have no family structure to speak of that i haven't created on my own, and wandering a bit aimlessly at times. but i have these amazing friends who listen and support. and i have this amazing man that makes me feel more comfortable and vibrant than i think i realized was possible.

so i continue to learn to trust my instinct, ask the questions that are in my heart, and not to follow as blindly and naively as i have done, perhaps, in the past. growing up is hard and living life is a bit scary if you are doing it right. i'm scared, so i must be fully living at least a little.