Flipping the Script

I survived this horrible break up (and often horrible relationship) almost two years ago. I endured and came out stronger than before with lessons learned and ready to date and mingle. After spending time at bars, museums, coffee shops and other big city hot spots for finding men and a few dates here and there, a good friend recommended dipping my toe in the pool of online dating. He had met his boyfriend of five years through a site and gave me several examples of friends that had done the same. I gathered the courage and that night created my first online profile with the aim of dating and hopefully much more.

After I posted some pictures and crafted a brief and witty biography of who I am and what I was looking for I began to get responses and inquiries. It was fun- emailing, phone conversations and real life dates with real life men of an assorted ilk. Some were socially awkward and wanted second dates while others were what I thought were genuine starts to something-- anything-- resulting in absolutely nothing. It was the first time that I ever took the time to aggressively date and I enjoyed it all. Even the bad dates were chalked up to a new story to share or write about.

I knew I was a catch and had some fun times to offer these gents. I went out on a number of what would turn out to be the first and last date. I started to get a little paranoid because I was still at the stage where dating seemed much more personal than it really is. In reality, dating is finding what works for you and has little to nothing to do with the genuine qualities of the person you are sincerely not interested in. Someone out there will want to date the germ-a-phobe virgin I went to the movies with. And I am quite sure that the handsome investment banker who would return my calls but wouldn't go out with me again will eventually find a woman that will break down his walls. It is a guarantee that the lanky Brazilian-German man who looked like snoopy with short locks growing from his head will eventually meet the woman who is cool with smoking weed outside a movie theater on a first date and who wants to kiss his clammy-fish textured lips for more than a peck. And the universe only knows how these and many other men might describe me. I have no desire to know their opinions nor does it keep me up at night conjuring up possible reasons why I couldn't get that second date even with the men that seemed to click with me. I got to a point in the dating adventures where I assumed a date would be a generally good time and result in not much more.

Eventually I found a taker for a second, third and a few dates beyond. After an incredibly awkward first date we actually clicked and ultimately simultaneously decided that we weren't going to be a match even after some fun times and little bit of passion. It was an easy end to a romantic false start. I continued to communicate with and date as frequently as possible men from both the online world and those I would occasionally meet in the 'real life' forums.

These exploits and escapades led me into the arms of a dating partner for a couple of months. He was a bit older and had a good sense of humor. Things started with some steam- a couple of dates and some make out sessions. We had a good time talking on the phone and going out once or twice a week- dinner, movies, brunch. It was fun but nothing spectacular. Looking back, I know I should have just cut off the nice guy who was sweet but boring after only a couple of weeks. But I was lonely and he was someone to pass some time with. I contemplated moving on after he explained for the third time that he was excited that because of the current home finance crisis and the money he had saved away he could look at buying a home in the next few months. I mean, good for you, but do I have to hear about it three times? But I didn't end it. I continued to date other men and assumed he was dating other women. We never got to a serious point after two months of very casual interactions but it was nice to know I had someone thinking about me.

One of these dates with other men led to major sparks immediately. After my second date with the man who would become my boyfriend and love of my life I knew that this new connection trumped anything I currently had brewing and took me off the market for what looks like for good. After my third date with the new gent I knew I had to end things with Mr. Snooze. I knew that any date or phone conversation with him would only include my mind wandering to the new stirring feelings for the man I met when I finally thought I would never meet anyone. I became very hard to get a hold of for a few days as I recovered from sleep deprivation brought on by my dates and took some time to think. In the mean time he left me several voice mails and text messages:

Text: "Sorry to bug! But I want to ask you about something this weekend."

Voice mail: "Hey, It's me. What are you up to this weekend? Give me a call. I got two tickets to Coachella and a friend is letting us stay there. Do you want to go?"

Text: "Give me a call! Want to talk about this weekend!"

This was so odd as we had never talked about spending a weekend together and hadn't even been very physical since the second week or so. I must admit that if I wasn't already experiencing thrilling passion, I might have been tempted to join the guy on this little adventure. As it stood, I had become clear after my first day with my current boyfriend that I was removing myself from the dating world at least to see what would happen next. I made up an excuse that I had to work that weekend and it was not going to be possible to change anything. In reality, I spent an amazing weekend with my new man exploring the city not giving even a moments thought to what could have been a so-so time at a music festival with a so-so guy.

After that weekend I knew that I had to take care of business as soon as possible. In what would be one of my most awkward phone conversations, I ended our relationship. But it was no normal breakup.

Me: "Hey... I hope you had fun at the festival. So, I think that you are a really nice and I've had a good time getting to know you the past few weeks but I think that this has gone as far as it's going to go..." I mumbled and stumbled the whole way through.

Him: "Oh, uh, I see... Well, how long have you been feeling this way?"

Me (internal thought): "Um, since you were boring me to near tears..."
Me (external conversation): "Just over the last week or so... That's part of the reason I was hard to get ahold of the last week or so."

Him: "I understand. Yeah. It was kind of hard to figure out our connection. I just want you to know that no matter what, you are a really great girl and I had a lot of fun with you. No matter what. I hope you are okay with this."

WHAT?! You hope I'm okay with this? Are you serious? I called this guy to end things and I'm the one who had to work up to this horrible phone call and now he is flipping things so that his ego is in tact as the guy-who-dumped-the -chick? I was shocked and tongue tied.

Quickly, I processed what had just happened and decided I didn't care if he was the dumper or dumpee in his mind and was just excited to move on to dating an excellent match.

Me: "Oh, thank you. I'm glad you still think I'm a great girl. I totally understand the situation."

Him: "I'm so glad to hear that. I hope there are no hard feelings. In fact, I'd like to still be friends. You are great company. Why don't you give me a call in a couple of weeks if you want to have dinner. You will be okay," he said to calm what he had decided where my shaken nerves.

Me: "That sounds great. Thanks..."

We hung up and I let out a huge laugh as I thought about how odd it was to go from the woman who had assesed the situation and determined that this was a no-go to the victim who seemed to have been left with a percieved broken heart and wounded self esteem. At least I learned that I was right to get out of this situation in search of greener fields. I wish him well and I still think I'm a great girl- no matter what.